The year 2019 taught me a lot about myself, about love, and about letting go. In October, with only two months left of the year (left of the decade as a matter of fact), it dawned on me that I had not been living the life that I wanted to live nor was I growing into the person I wanted to become. I was stuck in the same repetitive cycle of life — wanting things to change, hoping they would, but not doing a single thing about it. Not taking the necessary steps to make the much needed changes. I found myself falling deeper and deeper into a hole I dug myself in filled with repressed feelings and unhappiness.
That was when it hit me. I needed to let everything go. Let go of the hatred in my heart, and anything else that got in the way of my inner peace. Let go, and set my soul free from all the negativity that clinged onto me. The interesting thing about self-love is that you have to dig for it. It doesn’t just come to you one day. It takes time and lots of self reflection. I had to sit there and face myself. Not just literally stare at my reflection in the mirror to see the toll these issues had taken on me physically, but look INTO myself and face what it was doing to me emotionally; come to the realization of how far I had strayed from my own self. I had not lost my inner strength, I just simply had to reach for it in order to break through from this cycle of self-sabotage.
I’m intelligent, I’m beautiful, I’m strong, I’m resilient, I’m beyond worthy of happiness, and I have so many great things coming my way. I had to remind myself that the love I have for myself exceeds everything else in this world, and the behaviors I was allowing were not worth losing who I am as a person nor were they worth risking the success of my future growth. From that moment on, I let go of everything that no longer served me. Everything that was detrimental to my health, my happiness, and my willingness to move forward and succeed in life. I decided right then and there that I would no longer remain stagnant. So I made a change.
Believe me when I tell you, when you start to want better for yourself and believe that you deserve better, you TRULY begin to attract better. Happiness attracts happiness like a pure act of magnetism. I cut off all the toxicity in my life and came to the realization that I would no longer settle for anything less than what I deserve, in all aspects of life. I now have zero tolerance for mediocrities and half ass things, and I’m so utterly grateful that I had it in me to walk away from all the bullshit in my life that held me back. Anger, resentment, fear, and toxic behaviors all played a part in keeping me from living a happy life, and I refused to continue to let it get the best of me. I left behind all things that affected my happiness and I have not looked back.
I simply cannot begin to express how incredibly and wonderfully different my life has been since then. I no longer feel this weight on my shoulders. This emotional hinderance. An albatross hanging from my neck (Samuel Taylor Coleridge, for those who aren’t familiar with this allusion). I’m free. Free as a bird in the sky, baby. I ended the year with a clear mind, clear heart, and clear soul. My capacity to love myself and love others has expanded far beyond measure. I appreciate every hardship that was thrown at me because every single one of them has helped shape me into the woman I’m becoming. Though I’ve come such a long way from where I was, I’m still not where I want to be. I still have a lot of growing and learning to do, but I will eventually become the highest version of myself. I’m aware that this is a lifelong process because nobody ever truly stops learning and growing, but I am so ready to take on my future. I choose to put myself first; I choose happiness.
I am a rose in a garden full of growth, and with the proper amount of water, love, and nourishment, I WILL PROSPER.
With ceaseless love,